No constant phone calls/other distractions.) We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. My legs were killing me and I my throat was sore :(! I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. I hope you can get some work done despite your husbands interference while you are gone. *offers you an internet hug*. A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. Last but not least, take some time for yourself. Next, things you can do. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Someone with this kind of insecure, controlling behavior could be sitting next to you 24/7 and theyd be wondering what you were thinking, if it got to that point. this makes me IRATE. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. Talk about what services you provide. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. My partner has some anxiety when I travel to remote, rural areas by car, especially when I am alone. Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. OPs husband sounds like my mom. I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. Sure within reason. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. I agree with Alison here. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. Immediate marriage counseling is required and if he wont go, see a counselor yourself. how do you handle being pregnant at work? Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? Street photography! I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. Just my two cents. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. He does that three to four times a year. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Best of luck to you, LW. Life is short. But don't worry, Daisy. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. He wasnt healthy for me. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. Other than me being bored out of my skull, nothing happened! I love my wife and we bought land and a home. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. I came to say the same thing. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. At such time as we see abuse brought up as gratuitously as anxiety is, you might just have a point. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? She should get out while she can, even if she has children. Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. He couldnt leave her in a peace for five minutes on her last business trip, and is questioning the companys motives, all while she is the primary breadwinner? Im a bit flabbergasted. Bucks. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. I think on a more general level Spouse doesnt want me to go *can* be an actual, non-abusive thing, in certain circumstances (new baby at home for example, or a health crisis or other emergency where Hey, is there ANY way you can get out of this trip? might be a reasonable thing to ask. You can even pick up brochures of holiday packages. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? My dad goes around the world: Spain, Taiwan, Japan and he spends it all on a commercial ship fixing the radar, sonar, ormcomputer. She thought surely I would be kidnapped in the dark parking lot. as an excuse for his angst. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. They just find more things to get worried about. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. My colleagues and I used to parse the bulletins the U.S. Embassy put out about reported crimes against Americans, and so often you could read between the lines of someone trying to cover for a mistake. how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? But instead of abuse and control and severely anxious the LW might be part of a cultural/ethnic subgroup where her role as breadwinner (and one that is doing well) that is a woman who is making more than husband is not the norm in her community and there is all sorts of talking/gossiping/pressure in the background at play. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. rarely cede ground. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. And heres what wethink will help. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. I also had this thought. I guarantee if my partner surveyed their friends they would all tell them that they are being ridiculous to even question letting (ha!) Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. I dont know, I think you are underestimating how the Internet has magnified the echo chamber effect. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". Wow. How does he handle that? Also, if youre like me and my Mother, your emotional reactions could spiral his emotions up, until youre making each other worse. Yeah, this. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! Sometimes together (we work for the same agency), but mostly separate. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. I really dont like the taste of alcohol. Same. By contrast, I spent a week this summer at a conference in a not-doing-so-well midwestern city. In my family its my mother (yay genetics! Context does not change would into wouldnt. I went for the first time over the summer. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! Does he worry about you when you go shopping alone, or when you work late at the office? sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. This is definitely a sign of relationship problems and is not normal. I would idd consider flying. Same here. (And there is outside reinforcement for this my MIL things Im insane for letting my 10-year-old go to the bathroom, which I can see clearly from our restaurant table, alone.) These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. The letter writer specifically ASKED about anxiety. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Yeah, cheating is a pretty terrible thing to accuse a partner of without any basis, and personally is an immediate dealbreaker for me. Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. Dont get hit by a car!! Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? You just cant. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! It turned out that this was part of a larger problem he would call her every ten minutes at her desk at work too, and if she didnt answer, he would have her paged over the intercom. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. Pricey, but worth it! :-). Im sure your husband isnt a huge jerk or anything, but this is not healthy and he should not be pressuring you to do something that would risk your job. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. Totally. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. Why he wants to go alone. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. I bet youll have a blast. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . When one leaves, its done! OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. I didnt hear that there were kids. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. So theyre officially still working there. I do the same. It comes across as so controlling. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. Congratulations! Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationguinness irish stew slow cooker. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. Im so glad I made that choice. But not wholesome. As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) me go. If he refuses to go, go alone. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. either. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. You really really need to have those shirts washed in that way? The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. Hah. I was fine. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Again, not a concern for either of us. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. This is about control. Youre going to DIE!. Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. I HATED IT! I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. It sounds harsh, but stop comforting him *in the moment*, stop giving him your attention. To me, that means childish.
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